Thalia in Shrekland
by Lickle Slytherin
Summary: this is a mix of harry potter/shrek/original characters! need to have good sense of humour! was written for a friends b-day


Thalia was sitting at home, on a beautiful Friday, which happened to be her 17th birthday. She was all alone, and had been since her friends Gem and Tam had left her to go to an evil odd school somewhere. Thalia did not understand why Gem and Tam wanted to go away to a dark school, when they could be in Oxford with her quoting Harry Potter and singing an endless list of songs. Thalia was so lonely on her own that she had started looking like a Barbie in a picnic car.   
Deciding that she didn't like Barbie's in picnic cars, Thalia thought she would while away the afternoon by watching Shrek. It was her favourite video and she knew all of the lexical features and chronology.   
Shrek, with its high level of spokeness, soon had Thalia totally absorbed in its tangfagelous world of make believe. Suddenly a piece of toast from Mr.Moss's space experiments leapt into her mouth. She choked and stood on the remote control. Her middle toe hit the secret pink button and suddenly Thalia felt very wobbly, like a big jelly! She felt herself leave the ground, and she closed her eyes tightly. For a while she whizzed through space like a small piece of shortbread. Then she hit the ground with a THUD!  
  
On the other side of the world, Gem and Tam were with their new best friends, Snape and Draco in Durmstrang School of the Dark Arts. They were preparing to leave on a secret mission to capture all the fairytale creatures from ShrekLand, to use them for experimentation. Draco and Gemma climbed abroad Gemma's Windrush III, and Snape and Tam aboard their Nightingale 500,0001. Little did they know they were about to meet their most difficult task yet.   
  
Thalia opened her eyes and shook her head like a dog to get rid of the dust and flies. To her delight she saw around her, all the Shrek characters. However, they were not paying attention to her. They were all looking at the dragon, who was being violently sick. It looked like a big pink volcano, and as the thick puce river hit the ground, a shape formed from it. A small shape, but a shape nevertheless. Everyone froze. It was Lord Farquaad.   
Quickly, he swished and flicked his little figure and all the characters excluding Thalia and Donkey were turned to stone. Duh duh Dunn!  
'PARFAIT!' Farquaad boomed, 'all these creatures will remain stoned until I get my parfait!'  
Thalia gasped in astounded horror filled chocolate frogs.  
'Where do we get the parfait?' Donkey asked, 'Parfait may be the nicest thing on this planet.'  
'From Kissing Town,' Farquaad replied, 'which is far away from here. However you must travel through the dark forest, on the path, which leads you slightly to the west, yet makes you feel like you are travelling east. The parfait is in the cave of many wonders, you have to pass many different challenges to arrive on the third floor but I trust that you will manage.'  
Thalia gasped. Again. Donkey was licking his lips, and Farquaad eyed him suspiciously.   
'To make sure that you don't eat all the parfait I will send you with my loyal follower, Thelonius,' he added, clicking his fingers authoritatively. A hooded figure arrived behind him instantly. The figure was somewhat smaller than Thalia had imagined and omitted a blup blup blup blup noise. But turning around she realised that it was in fact a lorry reversing making the noise, and not the figure. However the figure was small, and she could just make out a tuft of red hair beneath the darkness of the hood.   
'We must go at once!' Donkey said, 'before the parfait melts!'  
So off they went.   
  
More importantly, Gem and Draco and Snape and Tam landed safely on the other side of the dark woods. They'd been told that they could catch a magical talking donkey in Kissing Town, which was on the other side of the Dark Forest. They looked in to the forest. It was dark.  
'Oh, Draco, it's scary!' Gemma squealed girlishly.  
'I'll protect you,' Draco reassured her nervously. Suddenly a fluffy white kitten and a candlestick appeared and it was a while before any of them were able to enter the forest. Gem and Draco stayed at the edge of the forest for a while to make sure that Snape and Tam did not meet horrible deaths when they walked in. Snape and Tam rolled their eyes at Gem and Draco and entered bravely into the forest. Tam muttered a brief "honestly" under her breath.  
  
They wandered for days in the dark forest. It was dark. They ate the singing mushrooms they found in the swamp, which sang a 'Lighter shade of Pale' and drank all the 'Drink Me' cups they could find. As a result they kept growing bigger and smaller and had many encounters with talking caterpillars, as well as befriending a mad hatter named Brigit who happened to have a crush on Tam's Nightingale 5000001. Brigit followed them through the forest, showing them how to avoid drinking stale tea, falling in holes or having their heads chopped off by mad queens. Brigit, with her secret crush on Tam's broomstick, was silently hoping that once they arrived in kissing town, she could have some alone time with the Nightingale 5000001, which she had been calling "Nighty" for short.   
Hearing noises, Gem transfigured into a camel and Tam into a Hamster. Draco jumped aboard Gemma's lumpy back and Snape slipped Tam into his pocket where she ate a slice of apple pie, strawberries and cream, which she had stored in her cheek.  
The voices got louder as they approached. Gemma the camel carried Draco behind a tree and Snape put on the invisibility cloak he'd stolen when he killed Harry Potter.  
'So, Thelonius', one voice was saying. Camel Gem and Hamster Tam pricked their ears. The accent was familiar somehow.   
  
'Do you hear something?' Thelonius asked, swirling round to survey the forest around them, 'I think we're being followed.'  
'We'd better keep a close eye out,' Thalia said nervously.   
Donkey, wandering away from Thalia and Thelonius, peered into the darkness of the dark forest. It was dark.   
'We really need a thesaurus,' Thalia sighed from a little way off, 'there must be other adjectives to describe the darkness.'  
Donkey nodded frantically and burst into song.  
'Give me a t, give an h, give me an e give me an s, give me an a, give me a u, give me a r, give me a u, give me an s and what do you get? THESAURUS!! Thesaurus Thesaurus, he's our man, if he can't do it, the dictionary can.'  
Donkey was so busy singing that he was paying no attention to where he was going. Suddenly, he slipped. His foot dropped down a randomly placed rabbit hole, and he screamed as effectively as a donkey can as teeth closed around his foot.  
Leaping backwards, Donkey stared into the whole. A rabid rabbit blinked back at him, frothing slightly as it grinned toothily towards him. Donkey screamed again.  
'What?' Thalia said impatiently. On TV, Donkey had been hilarious but in the flesh he was annoying.   
'A Rabid Rabbit!' Donkey yelled, 'I'll have rabies! Oh, save me PLEASE!!!!'  
Thelonius stood behind the, arms folded. 'There's only one cure,' he said dramatically, 'and it's almost impossible to carry out.'  
'What?' Donkey pleaded, 'I'll do anything!'  
'You must jump on a space hopper for three hours non-stop.'  
'Nooo!' Donkey shrieked and galloped off through the forest, straight into Gemma the Camel. In his panicked state he closed his eyes and bit her as hard as he could, then turned tail and ran back to Thalia and Thelonius.   
By this time, Thelonius had magicked a space hopper from the dark forest. It was dark, but donkey climbed aboard reluctantly, shaking like a leaf.  
  
'A rabid donkey!' Gemma, still in camel form, gasped, holding her leg up as the pain drifted down it like a cool mountain stream. Snape whipped out his wand and put Gemma in Pertrico totalus spell so that she couldn't move. Then Tam got to work. They knew that the only way to save Gemma was to amputate her leg. Tam, as a hamster, began to chew away at the flesh, taking care not to drink Gemma's blood and not to dribble too much. When they'd finished they burnt the leg before bringing Gemma round. She began to hop on three legs, screaming in pain. Gemma transfigured back into a human, and found that her left arm was gone and in its place was a small, still bleeding stump! Draco, not wanting to see Gemma in pain, started to console her and make her feel better. The four of them tried to find a special potion called WormOgrow which would grow back forgotten limbs on trees or worms, and was the closest thing which would work to make Gemma's arm grow back.   
'There's none here!' Tam said, searching behind a clump of grass.   
'Can't you make some?' Gemma pleaded to Snape, 'aren't you meant to be a potions master? Not very good, is it?'  
'This particular potion is too complex, and needs weeks of brewing, I can however bottle some fame if you wish, or maybe brew some glory?'  
Gemma looked at Snape coldly, 'No thanks...not today, maybe some other time though.'  
'Looks like you'll just have to go round with one arm forever,' Tam said sadly.  
'No!' Draco screeched girlishly, 'I won't let that happen! How will you cook my dinners?'  
'I'll manage, Draco,' Gemma whispered, 'I'll manage.'  
'Isn't there anything you can do?' Draco said to Snape in despair, 'I can't cope!'  
'There's one thing I can try,' Snape said slowly, 'but it's unlikely to work. I'll try putting powdered root of asphodel into an infusion of wormwood to give a sleeping powder so powerful that some call it the Draught of the Living Dead.'  
'What?' Gemma said furiously, 'how will that help?'  
'It won't,' Snape answered calmly, 'but it's the best I can do.'  
So that's what they did.   
  
'She's SSSSSSOOOO heavy,' Draco moaned for the fifty-sixth and three quarters time that second. He was carrying Gemma along on their Windrush III.   
'Shut up!' Snape snapped grumpily.   
Suddenly something white hit the top of Snape's head, on closer inspection Tam realised that this white goo was in fact, bird poo!  
'eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww!' Tam shouted as she looked at Snapes head in disgust.   
'Nooo!' he sobbed, 'I'll have to finally wash my hair!'  
They all looked up in to the air. A magpie was flying around in the trees, squawking away to itself, a cracker in its mouth.  
'Good morning Mr Magpie!' Tam said superstitiously. Immediately the magpie landed on the floor beside them, and transfigured into Sarah.  
'Sarah!' Tam gasped. Draco and Snape were looking at her too, although obviously they did not know who she was.   
Gemma suddenly came round.  
'Sarah!' she gasped.  
'Hi,' Sarah said cheerily, 'I just ate a cracker and became a magpie momentarily, but I'm looking for N Sync, have you seen them?'  
Draco and Snape were looking at the three of them like they'd all gone insanely mad.   
'Nah' Tam said uninterested. 'We haven't seen any people for a couple of hours, and unless one of the members of N Sync is a donkey, it wasn't them, you will just have to....' Tam was cut short by some rustling in the trees, out jumped a fluffy white kitten which went and sat on Draco, a floating candlestick which hovered over Tams head and would you believe it...N Sync!!!  
'WOW!' Sarah cheered, no-one else was happy to see this strange looking group of men, seeing as they did not hold the same liking for them as Sarah did!   
While Chris and Sarah went to "talk" in the trees of the dark forest, which was dark, the rest of the band and Tam and Snape and Ickle Draco and the fluffy white kitten, all chanted a growing charm, so that Gemma's left arm could grow back to its original shape and size!  
Eventually when Sarah and Chris appeared from the dark trees, somewhat dishevelled, they decided to join the rest of the group, (the N Sync group will not be mentioned due to Tam and Gem finding them dull!)  
They set off again on the path which took them west.  
Very soon, they arrived at some bike sheds, which oddly resembled the Cherwell School bike sheds, however the bike wheels were exceedingly good cakes with huuuuuugggggggggee great big wheels that wobbled and moved! A big sign said "HAMSTER POWERED BIKES!"  
Tam and Gem stood speechless, with their mouths open, looking like goldfish. The hamster bike was their own idea, which someone had obviously nicked. However they climbed aboard and cycled off down the narrow crumbling path.   
It was not long before they heard voices, again, this time a lot closer, so close in fact that Chris rode over donkey on his bike, went over the handlebars, and hit his head on the trees, although you may think this is a bad thing, it actually made him able to sing!  
Thalia and Thels (for short) started at the new arrivals. Gem and Tam acting on impulse leapt upon Thals and Thels to capture them, believing them to be spies. Gemma pulled back Thel's hood, and saw Ron Weasleys face.   
"Weasley? I thought Voldie killed all of Potters crew?' Gem said in disgust.  
"'Ahh but you are mistaken,' Ron said looking at Gemma coldly, 'who are you anyway? How do you know my name?'  
'I am the Heir of Voldemort' Gemma replied snowily 'this is Brigit, Tam, Sarah, N sync and of course Sev Snape and Draco Malfoy, who you may already have the pleasure of knowing.'  
Ron looked like a piece of Brie in a picnic car. Brie is nice, but Ron didn't look as nice as a piece of Brie with his red hair and hand me down robe.   
'What are you doing here?' Ron said, mouth agape as if he were wishing for a piece of Brie from Mr Moss' breakfast experiments to come flying into it.   
'That, Mr Weasley, is none of your business. What could a Gryffindor like yourself be doing in the woods on a sunny day like today? People will think you're...up to something,' Sev replied calmly.   
'I work for Farquaad now,' Ron said defensively.  
'How did you manage not to get yourself killed when we blew up all the Light Side, Weasley?' Draco spat venomously. Ron said nothing, but blushed bright red and looked at the floor.   
All of a sudden there was a howling noise, and a flash of lightning. It started to pour with rain in an instant.  
'These are dangerous woods!' Brigit squealed, 'we must stick together until we get out!'  
And in the dark terror of the storm, they all agreed.  
  
When they arrived at Kissing Town the next morning, it was bright and sunny again. They all felt bright and happy, various couples kept disappearing including Sarah and Chris from N Sync, and, once, Thalia and Ron.  
'Holy Crickets!' Thalia said in sudden random realisation as she and Ron returned to the group, 'Gem! Tam! It's you! You look so different!'  
'Oh, Hi,' they replied, disinterested.   
'What's happened to you?' Thalia asked in wistful disappointment.   
'What did happen?' Gemma asked, 'we're the same a ever.'  
'Oh, right,' Thalia agreed and they all walked on, until they came to the centre of Kissing Town. There was a large town square.  
Suddenly, Sev pulled Gem, Tam and Draco aside.  
'You have changed,' he said, 'you are Evil now.'  
'Yay!' Gemma answered sunnily, hugging Draco.  
'Yay!' Draco agreed.  
'And for that reason,' Sev continued, 'you must capture the talking Donkey, torture Weasley and murder Thalia.'  
There was a silence, broken only by the raucous giggling of Thalia and Ron on the other side of the square.   
'Are they flirting again?' Gem said.  
'That does not matter,' Draco answered, 'we must kill them. Here's the plan. We follow them to the Parfait Cave and they'll be trapped. We perform Avada Kedavra on the girl, and Petrificus Totalus on Weasley and the donkey, whom we take back to our Dark Lord.'  
'Yay!' Gemma repeated. The all nodded in silent agreement.   
'Remember, Swish and Flick.'  
  
'What do you think they're talking about over there?' Ron said suspiciously, eyeing the group of darkly robed Durmstrang people over the other side of the square, 'I just can't trust them knowing what they did to Harry.'  
'They're my friends!' Thalia protested, 'they'd never do anything to hurt us. Let's take them to the Parfait Caves with us tonight.'  
'Whatever you say,' Ron agreed reluctantly.   
  
That evening as the sun set over Kissing Town, Thalia, Ron and Donkey arrive din the Parfait Cave, closely followed by Draco, Sev, Tam and Gem, closely followed by Brigit, Sarah and N Sync.   
They all stopped in amazement as they entered the cave and the bright light of the parfait hit them. Ahead of them was a solid wall of pink parfait.   
'WWWOOOOWWW!' they said in unison.   
'Surely Farquaad doesn't need ALL this parfait....couldn't we just have some of it and then return what's left, he will never know' Tam said.  
'NO!' Ron said, 'my master asked for all of it, and I will not sit back and watch you eat it.'  
'Jees you're such a spoiled brat Weasley, I see some things haven't changed, obviously that mudblood friend of yours and more of an effect on you than we all thought, she never liked to break rules either, didn't help her in the end though did it? Draco added looking at Ron as if he was something unpleasant that one finds on the bottom of shoes!   
'Don't you dare speak about Hermione in that way' Ron growled.  
'Mudblood,' Draco repeated.  
Ron turned bright red, and slapped Draco hard.  
'Uhh!' Draco squealed, pulling Ron's hair and scratching him.  
'Don't you dare hit Draco!' Gemma yelled and punched Ron. All at once the three of them began to fight, kicking and hitting at each other. Everyone gasped in horror and squealed.   
Snape and Tam were the only composed ones, and, sighing, they pulled out their wands and lazily said 'Petrificus Totalus'. At once Ron turned to stone, and Tam and Snape turned their wands to Donkey.  
'Petrificus Totalus!' they muttered again. Donkey fell over, unable to move.   
They turned to Thalia, and an evil look clouded their faces. Gemma and Draco were still on the floor together and were totally oblivious to anything going on around them.   
'AVADA KEDAVRA!' Tam and Snape said together. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion.  
Sparks shot from their wands like bullets towards Thalia. Sarah, who had been watching, shocked, suddenly sprung into action and leapt in front of Thalia. The sparks hit her chest and with a 'POOF' she was gone.   
'Sarah!' Chris yelled, breaking down completely. With another Poof he was gone, too. And then, Poof, poof, poof, and the rest of N Sync disappeared.   
  
Later that day, everyone was in a Tree house in Kissing Town. Thalia quietly ran her fingers over the cold coat of Donkey, still stoned.   
'Look!' she said, pulling a card from his thick coat. They all looked at it. It was Harry Potter identification.  
'And Ron!' Tam had been stroking Ron's hair emotionally and pulled out an identical card.   
'Spies,' Snape hissed.   
Everyone did the same thing.  
'AVADA KEDAVRA!'  
  
'Shame about Sarah,' Gemma said, once they'd buried Donkey and Ron.   
'I'm staying in the parfait Cave,' Brigit said.   
'Good for you,' Thalia answered. 'Actually, I'll join you.'  
'OK, well we'd better go,' Sev said quietly, 'Voldie will be expecting us.'  
'Right. Well, be seeing you then,' Thalia said.  
They all said goodbye and the four Durmstrang's left on their broomsticks and flew over the horizon.  
For a little while, they lived happily ever after. Until... 


End file.
